I would be one hell of a rockstar. Or a rockstar's "girlfriend" (I use that term lightly because I'll be single for life, and also because Layne Staley is gone and he's the only rocker I'd have put my life on hold for.) I run, like a machine, on very little sleep. Before you say it....yes. I know its not the healthiest of lifestyles. Trust me.
I abuse caffeine and nicotine, treating them as a junkie would treat her morning bump of heroin. I typically go for a few weeks straight on ltitle more than 2 horus of sleep between days/shifts, then have a "crash-out" day where I'll sleep for 18 hours straight. I maintain a shitty diet of peanut butter crackers, 90 calorie Kellogg's bars and sugarfree Rockstar....although every now and again I'll throw a salad or a steak into that mix (mostly when my hips hurt, since an old dance teacher used to tell me to go eat a steak when I'd slow down enough for her to realize my hips were killing me.) I know its not healthy....but its my life. Its my creation. I keep waking up every day, sooooooooo until that stops this is what I'll be doing.
I daydream all the time. I'm pretty sure its my subconscious way of trying to find my true place on this rock, yet at 29 I'm no closer to answering that question (what am I here for) than I was at 17. Here and there, I've found myself working a job and telling myself "yeah, I can see myself doing this for the rest of my life" but hindsight being 20/20 I now realize that was another way for me to just deal with what the fuck was going on around me, because its a bit easier to get my ass out of bed when I can try to believe I actually like what I'm getting out of bed for.
Its getting far too hard to convince myself anymore.
I daydream about how things "should" be....should being the operative word here. I have no damn clue how things should be, but I do know how I'd like them to be. I daydream about waking up around 1800hrs in a house that looks small from the outside (looks are decieving....remember that) in the Queen Anne's Hill district of Seattle just to get ready to head out to a concert at some little shit-hole dive bar where everyone looks like they're on edge and coming down off the latest and greatest. I daydream about being front and center at a huge nightclub with Deadmau5 and Sofi, partying and laughing and drinking sugarfree Rockstars and just living.
I daydream about living. Just simply living.
One person knows exactly what I mean when I say that I daydream about living. He's been my best friend for a lot of years, and has been by my side (literally) through a lot of terrible, horrible, stupid shit and that's never scared him off. He does drop off the face of the earth from time to time, but over the years I've come to learn the pattern and his getting lost always coincides with his getting a new girlfriend and no matter how many times he tells me otherwise, I know its because these girls either don't like me or are threatened by me. He hasn't met the right one, because the right one won't be threatened by me. Anyways....he knows what I mean when I say I just want to live. He's been further inside my mind than anyone else has dared to go, so he usually knows what's going on in there when I'm silent, when I'm mad, when I'm smiling but he can see my eyes are barely hiding what's really going on. I hate him for it, for being able to read me like a book, maybe because no one else has been able to or because no one else has ever cared to try. But as much as I hate him for it, I love him more than anything or anyone else because he's my best friend for no other reason than to be my best friend. He's not in this friendship for personal gain or equity or anything....for any reason anyone else has been my friend over the years. He's just here, I'm there, and that's just the way it is.
Well....its time to run to the gas station and pick up breakfast (sugarfree Rockstar) so I'll leave you all with this quote. Its one of my favorites.
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible. T.E. Lawrence.
Glad to be a daydreamer....
